[I'm another crossover from Barpod] Thanks for writing this, it really resonates. You've met some slightly more colorful people than I have in your dating, but I have experienced very similar struggles, and I'm just... baffled. Confused. Deeply frustrated. I feel very, very unexcited about being a man trying to date men, because I fear (and observe) that so many gay men today are completely unable to behave like normal human beings when it comes to dating. Searching for a loving, compatible, monogamous relationship among 5% of the male population is hard enough, and these days more and more of that 5% is becoming irrevocably warped by apps that offer anonymous, attachment-free sex before anything else. I'm in my mid-30s and already feel too old for hook-up apps anyway, but I'm not immune, either - I feel warped each time I'm unable to resist using them, albeit mostly without success. I have a building terror in my soul that I'll never find what I'm looking for so long as I'm trying to date men.
In the fall, I connected with a guy on OkCupid, which happens perhaps 5% of the time I "like" or message someone's profile, and managed to strike up a dialogue. He agreed to a date, and we met for a nice drink and had a lovely conversation, which ended with some serious making out after I walked him to his car. We agreed we'd like to see each other again, and our regular text conversation over the next two weeks reconfirmed this. The day of our agreed-upon second date, literally hours before, he texted to say he's "not in the right head space for dating." And that was that. It may sound silly to cavil over a person with whom I went on one date, but I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how this professional-ass man (a high school teacher) decided it was appropriate to go out, kiss me, text for two weeks, then cancel an agreed-upon date with an hour's notice. It felt rude and embarrassing. It is such an uphill struggle to find gay men who even want to go on a proper date that making all that headway just compounded the sting of his disappearance. My heart just aches with longing to receive and give romantic love, and with vanishingly little opportunity to properly experience it, these battering tides erode it away, a little piece at a time. I don't presume that my experience is your experience exactly, but your writing really resonated with me on this level. So, thank you.
You're all crossovers from Barpod, because so far the only place I've promoted this is behind the Barpod paywall - I'm very specific about the type of audience I want to attract.
With a couple of exceptions, your first paragraph is exactly how I feel. Baffled. Confused. Frustrated. Exhausted. One becomes despondent, and the mere act of dating (and making yourself emotionally vulnerable and open to another person) becomes retraumatizing because you have to face throwing yourself back into something that has turned out badly most of the time so far but hoping that somehow next time it won't. I actually think the film Bros with Billy Eichner is really good on this, on the reality of what life as a middle-aged gay man is like. His character is angry and neurotic and the film is pretty critical of gay men's sexual behavior and the fractured, inward-looking nature of the LGBTQ+ "community".
It hurts, but at least your guy texted you and gave you a reason rather than just ghosting you - in this day and age, that's something.
[I'm another crossover from Barpod] Thanks for writing this, it really resonates. You've met some slightly more colorful people than I have in your dating, but I have experienced very similar struggles, and I'm just... baffled. Confused. Deeply frustrated. I feel very, very unexcited about being a man trying to date men, because I fear (and observe) that so many gay men today are completely unable to behave like normal human beings when it comes to dating. Searching for a loving, compatible, monogamous relationship among 5% of the male population is hard enough, and these days more and more of that 5% is becoming irrevocably warped by apps that offer anonymous, attachment-free sex before anything else. I'm in my mid-30s and already feel too old for hook-up apps anyway, but I'm not immune, either - I feel warped each time I'm unable to resist using them, albeit mostly without success. I have a building terror in my soul that I'll never find what I'm looking for so long as I'm trying to date men.
In the fall, I connected with a guy on OkCupid, which happens perhaps 5% of the time I "like" or message someone's profile, and managed to strike up a dialogue. He agreed to a date, and we met for a nice drink and had a lovely conversation, which ended with some serious making out after I walked him to his car. We agreed we'd like to see each other again, and our regular text conversation over the next two weeks reconfirmed this. The day of our agreed-upon second date, literally hours before, he texted to say he's "not in the right head space for dating." And that was that. It may sound silly to cavil over a person with whom I went on one date, but I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how this professional-ass man (a high school teacher) decided it was appropriate to go out, kiss me, text for two weeks, then cancel an agreed-upon date with an hour's notice. It felt rude and embarrassing. It is such an uphill struggle to find gay men who even want to go on a proper date that making all that headway just compounded the sting of his disappearance. My heart just aches with longing to receive and give romantic love, and with vanishingly little opportunity to properly experience it, these battering tides erode it away, a little piece at a time. I don't presume that my experience is your experience exactly, but your writing really resonated with me on this level. So, thank you.
You're all crossovers from Barpod, because so far the only place I've promoted this is behind the Barpod paywall - I'm very specific about the type of audience I want to attract.
With a couple of exceptions, your first paragraph is exactly how I feel. Baffled. Confused. Frustrated. Exhausted. One becomes despondent, and the mere act of dating (and making yourself emotionally vulnerable and open to another person) becomes retraumatizing because you have to face throwing yourself back into something that has turned out badly most of the time so far but hoping that somehow next time it won't. I actually think the film Bros with Billy Eichner is really good on this, on the reality of what life as a middle-aged gay man is like. His character is angry and neurotic and the film is pretty critical of gay men's sexual behavior and the fractured, inward-looking nature of the LGBTQ+ "community".
It hurts, but at least your guy texted you and gave you a reason rather than just ghosting you - in this day and age, that's something.
Barpod lady here- I really like your writing.
I'll bet that the playwright is married or in a serious relationship and that's why he deleted his profile. How disappointing!!
That's exactly what my friend Mark said. There is a second chapter with the playwright, but it's worse.
I hate to make you re-live it, but I would also love to hear it!
Beautiful writing. You should make these vignettes into a book!
Thanks, appreciated - that would be a nice long-term goal, but for various reasons I'm not sure it will ever see print...
Just came here from BARPOD.
I absolutely loved the piece - a wonderful mix of sadness/longing and side-splitting humour.
Thank you, appreciated - that's exactly the tone I was going for.
Thanks Mary, really appreciate that comment.